Questions and answers, and the everlasting melancholy in between.

imageHave you and Kim thought about starting a family? How do you answer that? It may seem simple to most? A pretty standard answer in response should satisfy the question. And it does. The first few times. When you’re a married couple without kids and you strike conversation with someone, it’s inevitable the dialogue will lead to this question. Usually once the weather, your job and sport have been checked off the small-talk chat list. I don’t mind answering the question. I’m usually very honest. It’s just that it always leads to another question, and then more questions, questions that if answered truthfully always lead to some pretty personal and sometimes not so pleasant, non-dinner-table-worthy details coming out. When we stood at the altar on our wedding day and the priest asked us if we would be open to children, the answer from us both was along the lines of a big resounding “we are”. We’d prayed for months before we were married that we would fall pregnant and be blessed with children. For most it seems to come easy. I thought we’d be the same. A simple A + B = C matter. It is so easy that thousands of unwanted, inconvenient babies are being aborted everyday. It seems there is an abundance of baby-making happening with too much ease. However for us, now married 18 months, things really ain’t so easy at all in falling pregnant. I know I’m not the only person to have gone through this, and I sure know people have had longer, more difficult and more painful circumstances than ours. It’s just you never hear from the guy much. The man. You never get to hear about his side of the journey. The man isn’t just there for the commencement party (if you know what I mean), or there just for the final act, the birth, for someone to yell at and crush hands. The fella feels and longs for and hopes and has emotions along the whole journey too. And in my own journey, when looking to find comfort and solace in other people’s struggles and stories and successes, I was rarely able to find another male sharing his journey of marriage and the struggle to have kids. Have we thought about starting a family? I started a family the day I married my bride. It’s just the two of us for now. Oh and a little troupe of dogs and a cat and some birds. Have we thought about starting a family? Every hour. Every day. And most definitely every month. Have we thought about starting a family? Sometimes I just wanna answer…. “Yeh we have. Things haven’t been easy for us with it, and it has kinda made me feel pretty low a whole lot of the time…and although I’m sure you meant well, I was having a real happy, positive day today until you reminded me of my inabilities, my shortcomings.” (Rant over) I wouldn’t do that though. I know they’re only trying to be nice. I’m a lover, not a fighter. Most of the time now I just answer “yes we’re trying, just no luck yet”, and change the subject. And change it Quickly. Because for people it’s a simple harmless question. I know the complexities of the answer, the triggering of associated emotions. I also know this doesn’t enter their heads. People don’t want to talk about charting, about hormone levels, sperm counts, manhood, human chorionic gonadotropin levels, days of the cycle, mucous, laparoscopies, needles, period pain. Because if you want an honest answer to this harmless question, I’m going to talk about all of them. And that’s when people get quite uncomfortable. So this blog is my outlet. An account of glimpses of my journey with my wife Kim. Some won’t get it. That’s ok, I’m not writing it for them. Some will. Maybe someone will relate. Maybe someone will just find their day easier knowing they ain’t alone and that some other brother is struggling too. My writing isn’t perfect, my ideas might not always flow, maybe I won’t always capture what I want to say. My spelling and definitely my grammar won’t be perfect. But I’ll be honest, vulnerable and leave my heart on the blog page. Be Blessed Jimmy